The Only Home I Still Have Left
by Meredith McGarrett
Summary: 11x22 She's Leaving Home Meredith/Cristina / Meredith/Amelia This deals with the aftermath of Derek's sudden, unexpected, tragic death and how Meredith will cope with the loss of the love of her life ... [Season 11]


**The Only Home I Still Have Left**

* * *

**When I was 5, my mom lost me in a park. I don't remember much, except that one minute, I was riding the carousel, and the next, she was gone. I don't remember how I found her. I don't remember how I got home. All I remember is what happened next. She told me not to worry. She told me everything would be fine. **

**Funny, isn't it? The way memory works? The things you can't quite remember, and the things you can never forget. **

**The carousel never stops turning. **Meredith Grey; How To Save A Life

* * *

She steps into the room where the doctors who treated Derek express condolences.

Meredith heard them telling her that they were sorry for her loss and that they did everything they could but sorry didn't matter for Meredith. It has lost his meaning. When she saw Derek lying there, on that bed, connected to a vent, she couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it.

Meredith looks at her husband's medical records. "You should have ordered a head CT." Meredith told them this.

She also lets them know that they did their best.

Somewhere, a phone was ringing. Meredith was sitting there on a chair with her kids sleeping. Zola was lying sleeping in her lap. She just stared straight ahead against the wall, trying to comprehend what was happening. It just seemed not real. Meredith couldn't think. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. But he's dead but not really dead. His brain was dead, his other organs worked. His organs still worked. His brain just wasn't working.

"Ma'am." The doctor, who has been one of the doctors treating her husband, was approaching her, holding some papers in his hands. She knew what kind of paper it was. It was a damned consent form for her to sign so that they can take him off of life support. Meredith turned her head. "I thought that this was a good time to … I might take a moment to explain how this all works." He told her-

Meredith just asked tiredly: "Where are the papers?"

"Mrs. Shepherd, there are some things you need to know. Some things we need to discuss. Difficult things." The doctor tried to tell her that. But Meredith replied with: "I'm a doctor. Dr. Grey. I am a surgeon just as my husband was. I know how it works. You've waited the requested hours and now you can officially declare him dead." She was looking straight at the doctor.

Who was to blame for Derek being braindead.

But she didn't. Derek was dead and her holding a grudge against his doctors wouldn't change that.

She knew that.

"Normally you'd talk to me about organ donation but by the looks of his chart there is not much left that works to donate. So, the ICU needs a bed. Those must be the papers. The papers you want me to sign to decide what to do with my husband." She breathed in deeply.

Zola was still sleeping in her lap and so was Bailey in his stroller.

They didn't know what was happening in this moment, that their father's life just ended. Just like that he wasn't there anymore.

Then she continued, the doctor never said a word, she was listing off the options: "Now that he's dead but not really dead. Do I ship him off to a long-term care facility and cross our fingers and hope for fairytales and magic or do I pull the plug?"

Meredith paused, seemingly calm, giving the doctor a play-by-play description of what he came there to do … The doctor hadn't had the guts to apologize. For Meredith, an apology wouldn't do anything. Sorry was just a word without meaning.

He could only sit there and listen to her. Meredith's heart felt like it was being ripped into little pieces.

She wanted to escape this nightmare but she couldn't - this was reality.

"Stop all interventions, discontinue all routine monitoring, remove all the catheters and drains and tubes and any treatments that might provide comfort to the patient?"

Then she slowly said, her voice on the verge of breaking: "Terminating all life-sustaining measures and behave as any sane doctor would behave …" She swallowed hardly and when she continued her voice broke, she sounded like she was about to let go of her pain she was feeling: "'Cause I worked as a doctor."

"Is that what you want to talk to me about? While I sit here with my sleeping children you want to talk about killing my husband." She gritted out, her teeth clenched.

"Give me the papers." She demanded, her voice shaking.

"Ma'am." The doctor tried for another time, he didn't know what to do.

They had screwed up, big time screwed up. He should have listened to Edie when she suggested that they should get a head scan. After the doctor didn't budge, never made an attempt to give her the papers, Meredith did it herself.

"GIVE ME THE DAMN PAPERS." Meredith shouted.

She couldn't control her emotions any longer. She didn't want Derek to suffer any longer. Even though he can't feel or hear anything. Furiously, Meredith grabbed the consent forms the doctor was holding. She reached for the ballpoint pen to sign where her signature was needed.

After she finished signing them, all the consent forms that she needed to sign to take Derek off of life support, she needed to leave this hospital. Just for a moment or two, she needed fresh air. A nurse was looking after her children. So she exited the hospital only to find the crying female doctor sitting on a bench. Meredith breathed in heavily. She needed to escape, to wake up. But here was nothing to wake up from.

Then the doctor stood up, wanting to leave but then turned around to Meredith.

"I'm so sorry."

Meredith turned around, barely able to listen to what she has to say. None of it matters. The love of her life is dead. He's dead and he will never see his children grow up. She looked at her shocked, not really caring then turning around to not have to face her. "I know that that's useless to you right now. But I am." Meredith sighed, closing her eyes for a second.

"He saved all those people and it was my job to save him and I failed. He's going to die 'cause I wasn't a good enough doctor to keep him alive."

Meredith inhaled deeply while listening.

There wasn't anything else left to do. Her husband was braindead. Because these people weren't properly trained to handle trauma. She couldn't help but think that it might turned out differently if the ambulance had taken him not this hospital but to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Then he would be alive right now. Owen Hunt and April Kepner and all that work there know when to do a brain scan. They could have saved him if they brought him there.

Their best wouldn't live up to her best, Derek's best or any of the Grey Sloan staff's best ...

Meredith knew that.

Meredith shook her head, turning around, facing the doctor. "Yeah, you're right. You did fail, you weren't good enough. Do you know what tomorrow is? Friday. There are going to be more patients who come in to save them - someone's mother, someone's child, someone's husband. They need you to save them because they can't save themselves. So learn from this, better yourself and your will be better for next time."

"But what if I am not?" The doctor asked, sadness was in her voice as she learns a lesson from Meredith Grey. "You will be." Meredith answered.

"But how can you know that?"

"Because he was your one." Meredith exclaimed loudly.

"Every patient you are going to treat, you are going to see my husband's face and remember that he was the one that killed on your watch. He will haunt you, the hard ones always do and it only takes that one. One patient that'll make you work harder and better. Or they make you quit. But you don't get to waste what would have been the rest of my husband's life being a quitter."

Followed by: "Get back inside 'cause you are not saving any lives out here."

"I'm really …" The doctor began but Meredith turned around, to the bushes: "Yeah, I know."

Her telling her this didn't make this any better or easier. "I know." She sighed while the doctor entered the hospital again. Meredith just couldn't take it anymore. She can't be strong any longer. She felt bile rising up her throat and she felt the sudden urge to vomit. She threw up in the bushes.

She was breathing heavily, holding against the bush.

She was trying to catch her breath. Meredith closed her eyes for a second. She was alone here. They would unplug him him in one hour. The nurse had told her that.

One hour.

Just one damn hour.

She needed more time.

With him.

Should she call someone? Someone from Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital? Amelia? It was her brother, after all. But she couldn't make that call. She didn't want to be the one who destroyed her sister in law's world.

But she needed that time to say goodbye to Derek. She had the permission to make that choice. Amelia would be angry that she hasn't called her. Meredith didn't think about that, her mind was occupied with other things.

Can she still call her that? Now that Derek isn't there anymore?

Meredith shook her head in confusion. She wanted this to be a very bad dream where she might wake up from, although she knew this wasn't possible.

* * *

Later, Meredith steps into her husband's hospital room. She swallowed hardly. This was it. The moment where it all ends. The nurse begins the procedure of taking Derek off all the machines keeping him alive. Meredith stops the nurse. She speaks to Derek, cupping his face with her hand. She wasn't really to let him go. "Derek. We'll be okay."

Honestly, she doubted that she'll be okay. She was sure she'll break down later when she's digested everything that happened to her and Derek, that Derek was dead.

"Just wait." Meredith suddenly interjected as the nurse continued to shut down all the monitors. She stops her as she wanted to remove the breathing tube. She wanted more time with Derek, she wanted a lifetime. But this, this wasn't a lifetime. She wanted to grow old with him, dying in his arms when she was hundred and one years old. But that wasn't going to happen.

Derek would be dead before her.

In fact, he would be dead in a few minutes. Meredith still couldn't believe how this can be happening. The love of her life was dying, right in front of her.

And there was nothing she could do to prevent that. Nobody could. Brain death is one of the things that are not reversible. Brain death is irreversible. He would never be coming back from this and she doubted that she'd be able to move on some day.

You could just hear the faint sounds coming from the ventilator. Other than that, it was perfectly quiet in Derek's hospital room. Meredith looked at his face, experiencing the worst day of her life. Derek was braindead. He would never come back. That was final.

Death was final.

Derek was never coming back. They wouldn't live happily ever after, they would never get a lifetime together since he died quite young. Everyone around her was dying. Lexie died. Mark died. And now Derek is also dying. He was being kept alive by machines. Would they discontinue these measures, he'd die. Meredith knew that for a fact. She had handled cases of these. Cases like people ending up braindead and their family deciding to withdraw care.

"Derek." Meredith whispered, her chest feeling tight as she looked at her husband. Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying over Derek.

But it was just his body. The Derek she knew was gone. All what makes Derek the one he was, is gone forever. He would never come back. He was dead just not really dead. He wasn't coming back this time. He was never coming back this time.

"Derek." She said his name for another time, assuring him it's okay. Just the vent was making noise. Meredith held his hand, it was cold. "It's okay." She told him in a soft voice, the doctor in her telling her that he didn't hear her but … "You go. You're going to be fine." Meredith whispered, she still couldn't believe it. She was gently stroking her husband's cheek to let him know she was there although he couldn't feel it.

Then she slowly stood up, as if being in trance, she laid her hand on his chest near where his heart was. The heart that would stop beating in a few seconds, then Derek would be dead.

Really dead. Not just braindead.

"Are you ready?" The nurse asked as she prepared to take him off of life support.

"No." Meredith answered. She wasn't ready to let him go, not yet. But she knew she had to. "But go ahead." She told the nurse.

The nurse turned off the mechanical ventilator, the only thing that kept Derek's body alive, his heart beating. Without it, she knew he would stop being alive. But the state he was in also couldn't really considered as being alive. The Derek he was and whom she knew, was gone.

It made a noise when she shut it down. Next, she was extubating him. Meredith watched her doing it, her hand on Derek's chest. After she removed the tube, he took his last breath. With his wife holding her hand close to his heart, Dr. Derek Shepherd takes one final breath.

His heart stopped beating, Meredith couldn't feel it anymore.

At the same time, the cardiac monitor began to sound an alarm but the nurse quickly pressed a button and the screen went black. The nurse shuts down all medical monitors. She was glad that the piercing sound of the flatline wasn't there anymore. She didn't want to hear it. This was bad enough already. She then left the room, leaving Meredith with her dead husband and the love of her life.

In this moment, the life she knew no longer existed.

Meredith turned her gaze away, exhaling deeply.

She hasn't really processed what had happened.

Within hours, her husband died.

Just because these morons at this hospital didn't do a freaking head scan to check for brain bleeders, then Derek wouldn't have been dead. Silence filled the room. It was just Meredith and her dead husband. Alone. She really preferred Derek being not dead but that's not going to happen. Meredith's gaze went up to his face. He seemed peaceful.

As if he was just sleeping. But she knew he wasn't.

Then she began to speak to him, silently: "Derek." She faltered before she continued, silently: "I know you probably can't hear me … but I really need you too. I love you, Derek." She could hardly suppress the sobs that were threatening to escape. "And I wanted a forever with you, a lifetime." Pause. She was feeling the need to tell him certain things. That she loved him, and ever will love him. A lone tear ran down her cheeks, she didn't bother to wipe it away.

This was all so screwed up.

She knew she needed to say goodbye to Derek.

She would never see him alive anymore. Meredith couldn't breathe, couldn't be there any longer. Derek was dead. Dead. The realization hasn't hit her yet. She was numb, literally. She would have to find a way to deal with this. That the neurosurgeon was too late, that they didn't do a head scan.

* * *

She gathered her children so that they could go home. She was practically fleeing from this hospital that was responsible for her husband being dead. Why didn't they take them to get a head scan? Then he wouldn't be braindead.

She had to laugh at the irony of it. The great neurosurgeon ended up being braindead.

That was irony at its worst. Derek was dead - these words were repeated over and over in her head.

She couldn't form a clear thought. She had no idea who she came home without getting into an accident. Everything just seemed blurred. She was breathed in deeply before she entered her and Derek's home. It pained her, all his things were here, his memories were haunting her. He was there but he wasn't.

She hasn't really processed his death yet. She's numb. She isn't really feeling something.

What should she tell her children? She can't tell them he was dead. Zola might understand, she was old enough to understand what it means. She hates to be one who has to shatter the world of everyone who has been close to Derek.

And what about Amelia, she needs to know about her brother's fate.

That he died because his doctors didn't do a head scan to check for cerebral bleeds although he had a scalp lac. It's why he ended up braindead. The ER doctors didn't do a head CT at Dillard Medical Center and that's what killed him in the end.

When she was at home with her kids, she put them to bed. Bailey went straight to sleep after she put him down. Zola on the other hand, was a bit cranky. She seemed to feel that something was wrong. That something was different and that it will have a giant impact on her life.

She went over to their kitchen, seeing her cell phone lying there. For a moment, Meredith just stared at it. But when she checked for any calls, she didn't why she did what she has done, she saw Derek had called her before he took at stupid shortcut. Taking it had ended with him saving four people and him getting hit after saving all those people. How was that fair?

He had called her and she hasn't picked up because she'd been freaking late. With wide eyes, Meredith stared at the screen. She was shocked as she read what the screen showed.

_Missed calls: 1_

_Derek Shepherd_

She wanted nothing more than to return that call. But she couldn't, he was dead. There's no phoning the dead. She thought back to her near-death experience. Was he there with Lexie and Mark? That was a calming thought. But it still hurt as much as before.

She would never be able to talk to him again, to hear his voice. He called her before he went on his way. Why didn't she pick up? This was a decision she regrets. She was in a fricking hurry while she didn't know that this was the last time she was able to talk to her husband in a conscious way. And she missed that opportunity. Her heart hurt in more than just one way. She wanted to be with Derek, they'd been talking about more kids. How can it be that he's dead now? Hours later?

_What happens when surgeons are late?_

_People die._

She wanted to turn back the time, back to when Derek still lived.

After putting them to bed it hits her.

After she entered her and Derek's bedroom everything came down on her. She let the world crumble around her, time seemed to stop. A suppressed sob escaped her and she sat down on their bed. She realized that Derek was gone, that he was never coming back. Her children were in their rooms, sleeping. They had no idea that they just lost their father, who loved them so much. She was alone with her grief that now fully engulfed her.

She just wanted to curl up and cry.

Derek was dead, he was never coming back.

In this moment, she needed to believe in heaven where she and Derek could meet again. Wait for me, he'd said. I'll be back before you know it. But instead, he died. At that realization, she began to sob. She wanted Derek. Then she remembers his clothes in his wardrobe. There might be something that still has his scent on it.

Still crying uncontrollably, Meredith stood up, walking over to their wardrobe and pulled out one of his shirts. She held it up to her nose, smelling his scent on it.

For a moment, it calmed her down. But it was another remainder of Derek's irreversible absence. She should have gone to D.C. Why did she waste all that time? She wanted a lifetime with him.

This wasn't enough- he would never see his kids grow up. He would never get the chance to walk Zola down the aisle or seeing her dance recital. He would never get to buy her a car. Bailey would never remember his father. He would never be able to make it to all his football games and on and on … That was injustice that cries out to heaven. All she could to do was keeping his memory alive.

She had no idea how much time had passed. And honestly, she didn't care.

Derek was dead. The love of her life was _dead_.

All seemed just so unreal, not like her life. He wasn't allowed to die but he did. Without her having the chance to tell him what he means to her.

It was somewhere in the middle of the night when Meredith finally was able to sleep. Trying to sleep knowing that Derek would never come back, was hard. So she stayed up, not being able to sleep also her tears dried long time ago.

_I promise I won't die._

_Good 'cause that would be the worst breakup ever._

Yeah, she had been right. This was the worst breakup she could ever imagine. She never slept. She couldn't, she had tried but there was no way that she could do it. Amelia. Meredith had no idea how she should tell her sister in law that her brother was dead. How should she tell Derek's mother that her only son was dead? Why was this her life? Everybody, that was important to her, died or left.

"Meredith, are you up?" A voice called.

"Have you heard anything from Derek?" She wanted to know. She hasn't heard from yet. It seemed like a decade after she last heard from him. She wasn't the type of girl who easily worries but Derek was her only brother and rock when her father died. But now that she hasn't heard from him … she's growing concerned about his whereabouts.

Meredith rubbed her eyes, her cheeks were tear-stained, her eyes puffy when she heard her sister in law's voice calling her name. That was what she dreaded, telling Amelia most certainly wouldn't be easy. Amelia would know the minute she enters this room. Then Amelia knocked softly onto Meredith's and Derek's bedroom, hoping to find Derek there.

But instead, she only found Meredith lying on their bed, clutching Derek's shirt in her hands.

Derek's side of the bed was empty.

And it would stay empty, Derek was never coming back.

Not ever.

"Yeah." She croaked, tears in her voice, she sounded choked up. Amelia then appeared in the doorway, immediately seeing Meredith's broken frame. That's when she wished she hadn't done this. Come looking for Derek. One look into Meredith's face said it all. But she knew she had to ask whether it was true what she thought or not. She hoped it wasn't.

But the lack of hope and defeat were enough to tell her that this wouldn't end very well.

"Just tell me." She demanded quietly, her voice raw.

"There's been an accident." Meredith repeated the words the police officer had said to her as she opened the door. Amelia's face expression changed into worry but also hope that he might still be alive.

But Meredith crushed her hopes with answering that.

"An accident." Amelia slowly repeated, searching for more information, not knowing what that means, what the outcome was. "So he's at the hospital? Why aren't you with him?" She wanted to ask. Meredith closed her eyes for a moment, she took a pained breath before attempting to tell Amelia about her brother's fate.

"Derek is dead." Meredith told her, ripping off the Band-Aid. It would shatter her either way. "He didn't survive, his injuries were too severe."

_And he had incompetent doctors treating him. Who were incapable of ordering a head CT when their patient is stable._

"You are lying." Amelia responded mechanically. The news hasn't reached her brain yet. "I wish I were." Meredith sadly answered, choking back a sob as she watched Amelia's reaction.

"I'm sorry." But she didn't need to be sorry, it wasn't her fault that Derek was dead. Meredith had tears in her eyes. Amelia stared at her shocked, as in trance she entered the room, sitting down next to Meredith. She still couldn't believe what had happened.

Her brother was dead. Derek was dead. He wasn't supposed to be dead.

She was okay with living in his shadows if that meant that he was alive.

"You are." Amelia was clearly in denial.

"You have to be. He can't be dead, he's the only one I have left." She was devastated and now starting to sob loudly as the loss of her brother reached her brain. "Why does everyone die around me?"

She covered her face with her hands, shaking as she stated to cry.

"That's what I keep asking myself." Meredith said to no one particular. Amelia glanced at her, her bottom lip dangerously trembled as she tried to pull herself together. "This isn't fair." Meredith continued. "Why does it always have to be like this? Maybe Cristina was right with saying that Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital is cursed and that I should run for dear life." Both women have lost a man that has been one of the most important parts in their life.

Now they were sitting there, mourning Dr. Derek Shepherd's death.

A man who had been ripped away from them way to soon, leaving a mess. But they were trying to cope with the death of one of their own. Derek would never be forgotten, Meredith would make sure of that. His memory would live on.

She would be a great mother, trying to do her best even if she was now a single mother with two kids.

Because her husband died, leaving her a widow.

* * *

The last weeks and days have been hard on Meredith.

She hadn't really been living, just functioning. She was talking and she has started to work again but she hadn't been living.

She only smiled when she was around her kids. They were the only one's that were left of Derek, besides the memories ...

Derek's death had an impact on her life that was catastrophic. Meredith didn't know how she survived the funeral and telling the other people, their colleagues about Derek's death. Neither of them have taken his death well. It had an effect on everyone on the hospital. She had been the one to inform Carolyn Shepherd of her only son's death. After just one moment, several people's lives would never be the same. It was her job as Derek's wife, to tell his mother that Derek passed away after a fatal car accident.

Telling Zola and Bailey was probably the hardest thing she's ever done. Life just wasn't fair and she had no idea what to do or how to move on. Sure, everyone at Grey Sloan was there for her and the kids but Meredith knew she couldn't stay here. She knew she wanted to leave, at least for a little time.

She needed that time to heal. She needed that time.

Zurich.

That's where she wanted to go. Cristina, the only home she still had left.

But Cristina didn't know about Derek, that he is dead, at least not from her. She had no idea whether Owen or Alex had talked to her after Derek's death. She stared at her phone for a moment, then she picked it up, swallowing the lump in her throat as she saw the image of happy Derek and Meredith with their kids after Bailey's birth. It seemed like they would get their happily ever after. But once again, the universe screwed with them.

Taking Derek away. Killing him in an instant.

Meredith tried to forget about the picture but the pain stayed, slowly ripping her apart. She really needed to talk to Cristina. Then she pressed the call button. It rang on the other line and after a few seconds, Cristina answered her cell phone.

"Whoever this is, better has a good reason to wake me up in the middle of the night." She said, a bit gruff. "It's me." Meredith said. Cristina was wide awake when she heard her person's voice.

She hadn't called in ages, there must be a serious reason for her calling.

"Are you okay?" Cristina asked her, trying to figure out what was wrong with Meredith's voice.

No she wasn't alright.

Derek's death had caused a tremendous amount of unbearable pain.

Oh, right, the time difference . Meredith hadn't thought about that. But honestly, she didn't care about time difference. Cristina was the only one who's still alive besides Alex. But she was her person. The person she needed to come to terms with her husband's sudden and unexpected death that ripped him away from her and their kids.

"No." She simply answered.

Cristina was switching the lights on.

She suppressed a yawn, knowing that Meredith desperately needed her. But she didn't expect what happens next.

"Derek's dead." Meredith just told her, frankly causing Cristina to jolt awake.

"WHAT? Face-time, now." Came Cristina's prompt reply. She sounded shocked, she hadn't expected that. She didn't care about that she has an early surgery scheduled, she just wanted to be there for Meredith. "What are you saying?" Cristina stared at the wall in utter disbelief, couldn't believe that things never are going to be okay in Meredith Grey's life. "You've got to be kidding me. McDreamy is now McDead?" She didn't believe that. Meredith pressed the cell phone against her air, biting her lip hardly, trying her best not to cry.

Both of them have switched to the Face-time function of their tablets so that they can actually see eachother.

"He's dead, Cristina. He's dead." Meredith repeated. Broken. "I pulled the plug, Cristina. I signed the papers to kill my husband, the permission to take him off of life support." Meredith was now silently crying as she clasped the cell phone in her hands. "Was there a chance?!" Cristina asked, not sure how to react. Meredith shook her hand, not remembering that Cristina couldn't see it.

_Derek, why did you have to die?_

_I need you in my life … We need our forever._

_Wherever you are, Derek, remember that I love you with all my heart._

"No, he's been declared braindead." Her voice breaking slightly.

She could hear Cristina breathe in sharply in realization. "Oh, Meredith. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better. I assume saying 'I'm sorry' would make this a lot worse, wouldn't it?" Cristina had no way of knowing whether her reaction was appropriate.

Meredith remembered her play-by-play description to one of Derek's doctors. "He died because these morons weren't able to get a damned head scan. That's the reason he's dead. Let alone the fact the on-call neurosurgeon needed 1,5 hours to response to a 911." Meredith ranted. Cristina would understand her. She always does. Even if there's an ocean between them.

"Do you think I did the right thing by pulling the plug? What if there was a chance? What if he could have woken up, what if the results have been wrong?" Meredith was questioning her decision.

"No. You know as well as I do that brain death is irreversible." Cristina told her.

"What if they haven't done the tests right?" Meredith suddenly asked.

"Brain death needs to be confirmed by two impartial doctors, with tests. I don't ... I am not even sure whether they've done these tests at all." Meredith told her, she couldn't really remember it. "Meredith. You would have known if there was even the slightest chance of him waking up and actually being able to live a life that's worth living. You looked through his chart, didn't you?" Cristina asked, trying to sound as gentle as possible. "Yeah, I have."

After Cristina got Meredith to calm down it was almost four in Switzerland.

"Yeah, you are probably right." Meredith answered with a strained voice. But she didn't know if the situation would have changed when she hadn't pulled the plug on him just yet. What if she had waited? Or let a doctor at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital confirm brain death? Why hadn't she done that? Did they do these tests at all? What if she had pulled the plug although he wasn't braindead?

Pause.

"What should I do, Cris? He's actually gone." Meredith was now a crying mess. "I ... he can't be gone." She hoped her children wouldn't wake up because of her crying once again. "I know." Cristina declared softly, wanting to comfort Meredith.

The doctor in her told her that she was being ridiculous but here, she wasn't a doctor. She has lost someone, someone important. How can she be sure that her call was the right one?

How can she be sure about that? That question was going to haunt her the rest of her life, so much was clear.

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe there was a chance of Derek waking up again. That he wasn't braindead. But he was, and she knew that discontinuing everything was the right choice in that matter but it didn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make this easier. It really doesn't.

"I'm on the next flight out." Cristina knew she needed to fly back. There was no way she could go to work and act like nothing had happened when everything had changed in her person's life? She hasn't always liked Derek Shepherd but he made Meredith happy and she had accepted him and all. He had been a kind of friend to her, she'd saved his life only for it to be taken away after? That was hard to accept.

She shook her head.

She needed to be there for her person. There was no other option. "Cristina." Meredith's voice held her back. She needed to escape. Coming to Zurich seemed a welcomed option in that matter. The hospital wasn't the same without Derek. She was seeing him everywhere, thinking he'd come around the corner and every time, he wasn't there. Simply, because he wasn't alive anymore. And she couldn't keep pretending anymore, she didn't know how much she'd said 'I'm fine' in the last few days, knowing it was a total lie. A lie that couldn't be more obvious. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Meredith's voice shook as she took a deep breath. Cristina waited for her friend to continue.

"Is it okay if I and the kids can stay with you for a little while?" Meredith asked quietly into the phone, anxiously waiting for Cristina's reply. "I can't stay here, Cristina. Everyone looks at me as if I am going to break down any second. Please tell me I can come ..."

Cristina replied with a simple yes. "Yes."

There was no other answer to that question.

"I'll book the tickets, see if I can get three for tomorrow evening. I just need to get away from here for a little while, Cristina." Meredith explained. "I'll let you know when we land." She said, staring at the wall. Going to Cristina was the only thing she was looking forward too.

"I know." Cristina replied without pressing for further information.

Knowing it would lead to Meredith shut down and not telling anything.

"The memories of Derek are here, everywhere. You should have seen Carolyn at Derek's funeral." Meredith's head was full of those pictures. It is funny the way memory works. The things you don't want to remember, you remember and those you want to remember, you forget those moments … She couldn't get that image out of her head. She has lost her husband and now she buried her son, her only son. Life was just so cruel.

"I cannot imagine how difficult this was for you. I wish I could have been there for you."

"You are now." Meredith simply replied. She was glad that Cristina was there, although there was an ocean between them. But just for tonight.

* * *

After Meredith ended the call with Cristina, she walked over to Zola's room, looking at her sleeping girl for minutes. She had no idea what to do next, this was all so fucked up. Why did she have to lose Derek. What if he had stayed in D.C., he would have been alive maybe ... Meredith shook her head, she doesn't want to think about this. Why does every person that's important to her, leave her?

Suddenly she remembered Amelia's words. She huffed at the irony of it.

Amelia experienced it all, and so is she, now that Derek's dead.

Undeniably dead.

_You've never lost the love of your life. _

Derek's dead.

He's gone.

_You have never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. __You... You don't know how that messes a person up._

She has now, she knows how it feels, how it messes someone up.

She knows all of it. The gut-wrenching pain that shoots through her whenever she thought about Derek.

_You've never had to claw your way back from that._

Meredith now needs to figure out how to move on ... how to live in a world in which Derek doesn't exist.

She looked at her sleeping girl once more. Bailey and Zola are what keep her moving, from just giving up. No, she wouldn't give up. She owned Derek that she wouldn't let herself giving up. She needed to live for Bailey and Zola, to let them have a good childhood - even without Derek.

* * *

The next day: "Where are we going?" Zola asked as Meredith continued to pack their bags to catch their flight to Zurich, Switzerland. She was packing some of Zola's and Bailey's toys and clothes into a bag. She seemed sad about something Zola couldn't understand. Her mother had been sad and unhappy the last few weeks. Also, her daddy never came to kiss her goodnight. He just wasn't there.

"Away, Sweetie." Meredith hastily replied.

It broke her heart to see Derek and her children grow up without a daddy. She would have to adjust to being a single mom with two kids. "Mommy where is daddy?" Zola asked, would keep asking. She'd asked the same question every day and every day, it crushed Meredith's heart. She knew how it was to grow up without a dad. Ellis had done this to her. But it doesn't compare to that. She hadn't cut Derek out, he'd been ripped away from their lives, losing his life in a car accident after saving a bunch of other people.

He died after saving all those lives … after being the hero …

"He's in heaven." Meredith choked out, trying to compose herself for her daughter's sake.

"Heaven." Zola repeated, scrunching her eye brows. "Where's that?"

She always asked the same questions, denying to believe her father's death. "That's where people go when their hearts stop beating." Meredith explained softly. Zola looked at her with big eyes. "So that's where daddy is now." She concluded.

"Are you sure you want to leave?" Amelia asked, seeing the pain written on Meredith's face. Knowing she needed to escape the memories of Derek. Living here, seeing all his things, day in, day out … It was hard. Maybe it was time to think about what to do with all his stuff.

"I need to." Meredith answered, for a brief moment she looked around in the house she lived in with Derek. That was one of the reasons why she can't be staying. There were just too much memories related to Derek and their happy family life that was now forever gone. Meredith smiled sadly, holding Zola's hand and baby Bailey was in his stroller.

"I need to go. I'm visiting Cristina in Zurich." Meredith bit her lip, suddenly having doubts if she should really leave Amelia alone. Derek had told her once about Amelia's past, about her former oxycodone addiction, before it all came out and now that Derek is dead … Meredith feared that his sister could relapse and was watching for changes even if everything going on was enough. "Will you be okay?" She suddenly asked 'cause she cared about Derek's sister. Amelia's head shot up, as she heard Meredith was speaking with her. "Yeah." She nodded, trying to sound convincing. "Really? I mean, I am leaving now and you are going to be alone in this house …"

"I'm trying." Amelia answered truthfully.

They all were trying to move on, to do the right thing. To honor Derek's memory. "I just need this." Meredith repeated for another time, clutching onto her daughter's little hand.

"Yeah." Amelia replied awkwardly. "I know." Amelia kneeled down to make eye contact with little Zola. "Let me just say goodbye to little Zola. Come here, Sweetie." She said, embracing her niece before letting go of her. "Amy?" Zola called her. "Yeah, what is it, Sweetie?" Amelia asked back softly. "Will you come with us?" Amelia shook her head. "But why not?" Zola pouted, she didn't want her Auntie Amelia disappear too, now that everything was different. "I need to stay here, Zozo. We can skype and you can call and I can call. I won't disappear out of sudden." Amelia explained, seeing Zola scared of losing everything that was important to her, broke her heart.

_Damn it, Derek. Why did you have to go?_

"You'll see Auntie Amy again." Meredith suddenly came to help. "We're not leaving for forever, just until things are sorted out." That calmed Zola down a bit but in the meantime, Bailey had started to wail in his child car seat. "Sorry, I have to go comfort him." "I know, I'll come help you." Amelia said, following her brother's wife to the car. "Sh, Bailey, everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be okay.

"But I'll be back. Just not now." Meredith explained. She turned around, but then she stopped. She couldn't leave without saying proper goodbye. It was one of the things she had learned. Tomorrow everything could be different. Then, out of sudden, she just hugged Amelia. She wasn't a hugging person, she and Amelia both knew that but things have changed. Amelia had been a big help the last weeks after Derek's death and she's incredibly grateful for her being there although Meredith knew that it must have been hell for her too.

"I'll come back." Meredith whispered. Amelia nodded, after they were standing there looking at each other. Meredith offered a weird grimace before she turned and was about enter the car.

Amelia suddenly knew she has to say something: "Meredith, wait."

After her calling her name, Meredith looked up after positioning Bailey in the car. Zola was still standing there, a stuffed animal in her hand and not exactly knowing what was happening. "Zo, I need to wait here a sec for me, yeah?" Meredith told her older daughter. Zola nodded. "I need to talk to Auntie Amelia." Derek's younger sister took a deep before saying: "You're still part of this family, Mer. Even if …" Her voice broke and Meredith tried to keep it together for both of them.

"… Even if things have changed drastically in the last weeks. _I _still consider you my family. _We _are there for you, if you need help or anything … Derek would have wanted that we do this together. Don't forget this, you have a family here. I want to be there for you and Derek's kids …" Amelia breathed in deeply. Meredith glanced at Amelia, before answering: "That's what family's there for." She remembered Derek saying this sentence to her at several occasions. "That's what family's there for." Amelia repeated, smiling slightly at Meredith who suddenly looked at her watch and called out: "I … I have a plane to catch. I am going to phone you when I land."

"That would be nice." Amelia stared after her, standing in the house her brother had built when he was still …

She couldn't think about that, not now. After Meredith had left with the kids, the house was so quiet and Amelia just sat there on the sofa, watching time pass by. She'd thought about relieving her pain of losing Derek with craving pills but she just couldn't do it to Derek. She would have to find another way of dealing with her pain.

Then Meredith and the kids were on their way to the airport. Meredith drove through the streets of Seattle the last time before flying to Zurich. She knew she'd be back sometime but she needed the time away. She needed the time to heal. To cope with the loss of Derek that ad ripped a large hole into her heart that cannot be repaired by placing a patch over it.

That would be too easy. No, it was emotional pain, not physical pain. Why isn't he coming with us?" Zola asked, in a sweet, totally innocent way as she watched the other cars from her car window. It literally crushed Meredith's heart to see her daughter has that hope she has lost when she made the decision to withdraw care. "Mommy, why isn't daddy coming with us?" Meredith was glad that the traffic light was red, otherwise she wouldn't be able to control her emotions. She looked at Zola in the rearview-mirror. "He's ..." Meredith had no idea how to tell her daughter that her daddy was gone.

"I want daddy." Zola insisted on wanting Derek.

"Me too, Sweetie. Me too." Meredith replied, sighing. Tears were brimming in her eyes at the memory of Derek. But she tried to hold them back, she didn't want Zola to see them. She didn't want her daughter to see she was about to cry. Then she parked the car in the parking lot and made her way to the entrance. Suddenly, when she entered the airport, with Bailey and Zola, there was a flashback of when all started to go wrong.

Just one damn call -

* * *

_"Hey, can we talk?" Owen walked towards Amelia who was standing near the nurses' station, typing in her pad. But their conversation was interrupted by a nurse who called Amelia's name. "Dr. Shepherd, you have a call on line four." A nurse called Amelia over, holding a phone in his hand. Meredith was sitting there, looking for something in someone's patient chart. "I gotta get that." Amelia said to Owen. Amelia made her way over to take the call. "Hello." She said, waiting for whoever this was to reply._

_"Oh, no, sorry, you want the other Dr. Shepherd." She stated, the cell phone pressed against the ear._

_"Here's his wife." Amelia said concluding and handed the phone over to Meredith who was sitting there, working on the computer. "Hi, this is Dr. Shepherd's wife. No, he's not here. Can I take a message for him?" She asked while searching for a piece of paper, some post-it note or anything that goes that way and a pencil to write something down. She starts writing something on a paper, the pencil scratched on the paper._

_Then she exclaimed in surprise, straightened herself: "Oh, I thought he was there."_

_"Okay, sure." She replied to whatever they said on the other line._

_"Okay, no problem, thank you." Amelia watched Meredith, scribbling something down, waiting for her to end the call and spill what was going on. "Bye, bye." She said before finally ending the call and put it back. "What was?" Amelia asked as soon as Meredith ended the call. "Uh, nothing." But Meredith's voice clearly showed that it was definitely not nothing. "It was just the White House calling. Derek never showed up at his meeting this morning." Meredith answered. "Uhuh." Amelia looked at her._

_"I am sure his flight got delayed or something."_

_Meredith waved it aside, pushing her real feeling aside as well. She wasn't calm, at least not at the inside. She couldn't help but worry._

_She then left, smiling at her although her smile was somewhat forced and bizarre. On the place where she worked was a notepad with the name 'Derek' followed by a question mark._

* * *

**Day 1 after Derek's death**

"Dr. Grey. Can I talk to you for a second?" Owen asked her to come with her to the conference room.

They were alone there. On their way to the nearest conference room, they walked past the attendings' lounge, Meredith saw that the other doctors were there, happily chatting and drinking coffee together. Just freaking living their perfect lives.

Meredith looked away, she couldn't stand happiness right now. Not when her life was lying in freaking shambles.

It seemed like the other doctors didn't really acknowledge her presence. Then, they were both in the conference room. Meredith didn't want to sit down. She wanted this nightmare to end. Owen knew he needed to ask, it was his job to care. "Bailey told me about that Derek's missing since before the plane crash. I just wanted to hear if you heard anything from him, he hasn't signed in on his shift …" He would never sign in on anything anymore. Now everyone looked up and glanced over to Meredith who in fact didn't look very good.

Meredith swallowed hardly.

This is the part where she has to tell people about Derek being dead.

For a moment she lowered her gaze, then she looked up, straight at him and said in a resigned voice that has no hope or confidence in the world left: "He's …" Owen stepped nearer, seeing something was horribly wrong.

"Mer." He said. "Are you okay?" Meredith didn't answer. Within hours, her world was being ripped apart. She didn't know how she was able to keep breathing. How was she breathing with Derek not being alive anymore? "Derek is dead." Meredith told Owen, her face unnaturally pale, in an unhealthy way pale. Her eyes were glassy and tear-rimmed, it was now clearly visible that she'd cried.

He saw that when he looked at her face and he had seen Amelia coming in together with Meredith. She just looked as bad as Meredith does now. Shocked silence filled the room. "He's dead." Meredith repeated for another time.

Every time she said it, it was like a knife got pushed into her heart.

Owen stared at her in pure shock, he couldn't really comprehend what Meredith just told him. Part of him refused to believe it. Derek, a respected colleague and more than that, his friend, was dead.

It wasn't the first time that something like that happened - but that was in Iraq. Not here. They already lost so many of them. Now it was Derek who died. He figured, sorry wouldn't help matters. It's something you say every day to the most trivial things and occasions. It wasn't appropriate here.

"What?" He asked, he couldn't control his face expressions. "He's dead?"

Meredith only nodded, she couldn't bring herself over to say it again.

"I have to tell the others?" Meredith suddenly said. "They don't know yet. Only Amelia does. She ... I had to tell her, I pulled ..." She didn't finish the sentence. "I have to go tell them that my husband is dead." "I can do it." Owen offered, still shocked. "I have to, it's Derek I have to be the one telling them."

She had to tell him, she was his wife. She owned him at least so much.

But it was so damn hard.

Before she knew what she was doing, she left the conference room, leaving Owen standing there with a shocked face expression.

Then she entered the attendings' lounge. Callie and Maggie were happily chatting, Richard Webber was looking through some patient charts while drinking coffee and Bailey, she was working on the computer. Meredith didn't know where to start, she had no idea what to say.

So she just appeared in the doorway, hovering there. Unsure of what to do.

She saw them talking and chatting happily, as if nothing was wrong. But they were wrong.

"Wait, you have to finish your story." Maggie said as she went to get herself a cup of coffee. It was like every other morning. Except it wasn't and that it would change the minute. "You actually had to break his knee?" Maggie asked, following Callie over.

"No, I had to shove the rod harder and it wound up against the tibia ... What are you doing here? Can I help you or why are occupying me?" She asked Alex as he waited for something, holding an empty cup in his hand. "You are holding the pot." Alex said gruffily. Meredith only heard them faintly. Stepping closer into the room, not quite hearing Callie's answer.

She didn't know that Owen had followed her, was standing behind her.

"If he asks nicely ..." Maggie said. "Like a civilized human being. Callie, may I have the carafe, please?" Maggie showed him how this worked, with that proving him how well it worked. "Mmm." Callie answered and handed her the pot.

"It's quite easy actually." Maggie added with a glance toward Alex. Alex frowned and finally Maggie gave in and did it. Then she noticed Meredith standing there, obviously shocked and frozen in the very moment.

She didn't move.

But she also didn't back away.

She had no choice.

"I heard there was ..." Meredith tuned out, then: "I heard Derek's flight got delayed, didn't he?" Maggie never waited for her sister to answer. Suddenly, Webber spoke up. "Pierce, my gallbladder guy's pacemaker keeps expiring. Think you might take a look at it?" He asked his daughter.

"Yep, I'll do now." MAggie answered right away but was interrupted by Callie Torres who had other plans: "No, you can't no."

"Derek is dead." Meredith said, quietly. No one was able to hear her.

"... I need you to place an IVC filter in my laminectomy patient." "Ah, right. Okay, good ... management ..."

The buzzing in her ears got louder.

"Derek is **dead**." Meredith repeated louder.

This time, the others heard her and stopped everything they were doing. They were looking at her, shocked. "What was that?" Callie asked, frowning. Dr. Webber stopped, he had planned to leave the attendings' lounge but now after what Meredith just told them.

He was freaking braindead and now he's really dead.

"Derek. Is. Dead-"

Meredith said for another time, stressing every single word.

Maggie Pierce, Richard Webber, Bailey and Alex turned around, interrupting their conversations about pacemakers and hip dislocations after hearing Owen calling them, they all turned around. Instantly, they saw his shocked expression. "What happened?" Maggie was the first to speak.

Owen appeared in the doorway. Meredith was pale.

Everyone was looking at her in shock. They were falling silent, really silent.

Owen swallowed hardly but he knew she needed to tell them. According to Meredith, Amelia already knew about her brother's death. "How did this happen?" Nobody answered, no one had the answer. The answer to that … Meredith was the only one who really knew what happened, why he died. But she couldn't answer right now or at least, she didn't respond to them asking her questions.

"Okay, what just happened? Did anyone of you hear what she just said?" Callie asked, shocked about how things turned out and even more shocked when she sees the figure lying there. She lost consciousness after telling them about Derek's death.

They already lost Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey and now Derek?

Could life be any more unfair to Meredith?

"Meredith?" Alex' face expression showed that he was growing more and more concerned about Meredith besides that Derek is gone.

But he never got a reply.

But Meredith didn't seem to see him, didn't discern him. Her breathing suddenly changed as everything around her was moving. She was feeling dizzy. "Meredith. Meredith." Owen repeated her name, seeing something was off, her face color definitely indicating something was wrong.

The room was so blurry, everything was moving. And before she knew what was happening she finds herself falling.

Her body just let go. Apparently, everything she went through the previous night – making the heartbreakingly hard decision to pull the plug on braindead Derek, the doctors at that hospital that were incapable to save him, the real him not just his body. And all of it because they didn't order a head scan. Her body just let go, maybe it was easier this way. Faintly, she could hear the commotion breaking loose.

Meredith herself just passed out.

When she hit the ground, Owen turned around, he had stared out of the window for a few seconds, unable to look Meredith in the face. He saw Meredith's limp body lying there. "Meredith?" He called her name but she didn't respond. Crap. This day was crap. After helping Mer, he knew his job was to tell the others to at least spare her that.

"Where …" Alex sat straight up as he heard Meredith mumble something, her eyes were still closed.

She stirred slightly, apparently she waking up. "Where am I?" She asked, appearing to be confused for a very slight moment and that's where the memory came back. In that moment she wished she would have just stayed in that darkness. "You're in a hospital room, Mer." He said.

"You collapsed after …" He didn't want to end that sentence, doesn't want it to be true.

"He's really gone, Alex." Meredith said, turning her head to face him. She had silent tears rolling down her cheeks although she didn't cry. "It's okay to cry, Mer." Alex said, he didn't really know what to do know in this situation.

"He's gone because these morons haven't done a head scan. He ended up braindead. I had no ..."

Her voice was breaking, and Alex felt even more helpless than ever. Every person Meredith knew, left her. It was always the same - death.

"I ... I had no choice but to unplug him. He wouldn't want to live a life hooked up to machines keeping him alive."

"Yeah."

* * *

**Present Day**

They didn't have to wait very long before they could board the airplane. The waiting hall was crowded, a lot of people were wandering around here. Meredith was glad about that. Seattle reminded her of Derek. Almost everything was. She didn't like flying but this time she had no choice if she wanted visit Cristina. Luckily, there were no turbulences or anything like that.

She can't go through that now. "Mommy, where are we going and what is this?" Zola kept asking her. Meredith turned her head to her daughter. "This is a plane, Zo. It flies us and some others to Zurich. We're going to visit Auntie Cristina for a lil' while."

"She told me lots and lots of things about hearts, ya know."

Meredith nodded in reply. "Look, there is a window, Zo. You can see other planes too."

"Do they fly to Zurich as well?"

"No, not neccessarily, Sweetie. They fly to other cities or countries, maybe even Malawi."

Zola nodded, she seemed satisfied with that answer.

After a few hours, they finally landed in Zurich. Cristina was already waiting for them at the airport to pick them up. She waited anxiously for Meredith's arrival. She already feared the worst when they told over intercom that flight 1697 Seattle-Zurich was delayed.

It only was delayed so ... she breathed a sigh of relief that washed over her.

The screaming unjustice of Derek's death still playing over and over in her head ...

"Meredith." Cristina called out after she spotted her friend in the walking crowd, Zola on her hand. All the other tourist were ignoring the two women walking towards each other, businessmen carrying suitcases walked past them - a happy family with mother, father and two children in Zola's and Bailey's age were there too. Laughing, talking.

Meredith looked over to them. It just makes her miss Derek a bit more than she already does.

_I miss you, Derek._

_So much more than you could ever imagine._

She bit her lip to stop it from trembling.

... Then she saw Cristina, waving.

"Cristina." Meredith just said her friends name. "Let me take Zozo. You really got big, Zo."

"Derek's dead." Meredith said.

Instead of a reply, Cristina Yang just hugged her friend. "Thought you could need it." "Thanks. You're still my person, Cristina. If something happens and you die too I want you to know that I love you, Cristina Yang. You never ..."

She choked back tears as the memories came back.

"You never know what happens."

* * *

**RIP McDreamy. We will miss you.**


End file.
